


Cherry Blossom

by currant_flour



Category: Kagerou Project, Mekakucity Actors
Genre: I don't know what to tag seriously, I'm so sorry, M/M, So OOC, also everybody is so ooc, i don't know why i did this but i did, it started out light and turned heavy later btw, mentions of Ayano and Takane, mentions of stabbing?, psychotic maybe?, the title doesn't actually match the story though haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 20:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6487153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/currant_flour/pseuds/currant_flour
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>( A continuation to the fic " I Should Have Known " )</p><p>Shintaro finds himself missing the way how Haruka interacts with him before they break up, hugging him, kissing him on the cheek or just simply hanging out with him and after Haruka collapses one day, he finally works up the courage to say what's in his mind. What happens next he can never see coming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cherry Blossom

**Author's Note:**

> The story doesn't sound as exciting as how the summary describes it to be, if the summary was interesting to begin with that is. It's been a long time since I posted a fic and the first fic I post is this, I'm half ashamed. I've had a terrible writer's block and I hope it didn't mess up this fic. Anyway,
> 
> Please enjoy this!!!

The birds are chirping outside, flowers blooming every second of the day and everything is lively. "It's spring after all!" Haruka thought, drawing another line in his sketchbook. A beautiful cherry blossom tree outside the window of his room is his model in the drawing, with a few modifications on Haruka's favour, it appears to possess more beauty than that of the real thing.

 

"It's a shame I'd miss the cherry blossom season this year."

 

Resigning himself to his life like he did everyday, he continue to draw, trying to remember the last time he had a picnic under a cherry blossom tree with his friends. Takane and Ayano talked about cooking some type of seasonal treat and ask him and Shintaro to remind them to make it someday. Takane maybe into video games, she haves a love for cooking stuff just like Ayano does and Ayano, who haves tons of experience with cooking, could provide her with all things necessary related to cooking.

 

Slowly drawing Takane's figure under the tree, he snorts a little as he remembers how one of last year's seasonal treat is used as a weapon of sorts to hit Shintaro's face. The cream splattered all around his face to the neck and down to his shirt. Ayano took tissues out of her bag and made things worse as she was wiping too quickly and the tissues torned up to stick on Shintaro's face some more. It took them a while to get him cleaned up, Takane laughing a little too loudly and Shintaro protesting all the while about how he could take care of himself.

 

A pause

 

Yeah, they had so much fun that time.

 

Moving forward to draw Ayano's figure, standing under the tree with a small branch of cherry blossom flowers secure tightly in between her hair and her right ear instead of just a single flower like normal people do. Takane had took the small branch that fell on the grass and ask her which flower she would prefer if she were to have one on her head, Ayano couldn't decide and went for all of them because "all of them are beautiful!", proceeding to stick the whole thing in her hair and made a comical "Tada!!!" sound effect, saying she could put in a vase at home to let the flowers last longer.

 

A smile tugging at his lips as he draws some falling petals around the figure, waving the scarf in a beautiful way that only exist in drawings. He stared at the drawing for a while before deciding it's time to draw the next figure, he have all day and probably the next few weeks to do anything he wants but it's best to finish the drawing while he still can.

 

Sketching a figure leaning on the tree and another across Takane's, he debate with himself before deciding which figure he wants to draw first. He draws himself sititng across Takane, eating one of the best thing he ate that day, a cherry blossom mochi in the shape of the flower itself. That reminds him, there were a lot of other food brought to the picnic that day, everybody brought cherry blossom related food or just simply pink related food to the picnic per Ayano's request. Almost _everywhere_ he turn is pink in colour.

 

He remembers having a short nightmare about something related to the colour pink that night, whatever it was about he forgot but it did leave him kind of scared of the colour pink now.

 

Without realising it, he had finished drawing all the delicacies they brought that day, adding bits of food crumbs on the cloth they sat on, a plastic bag that is used to place all the trash they had on his figure's side and some more petals on the grass. He continues to shade the drawing and add more details to the figures he drew.

 

When he's done, Haruka smiled and holds the sketchbook up high to look at it. The cherry blossom tree looks nice, they are all having a fun time under the tree, talking about cooking, video games, future plans and some other random stuff he barely remembers. The only thing that looks out of place is the lone figure that has not been worked on yet, leaning lazily at the tree, left leg brought up close to the chest while the other rest on the cloth.

 

"I should finish the drawing" Haruka thought.

 

All too familiarly, he starts drawing Shintaro's figure. He wasn't really paying much attention to the group that day, silently scrolling around his phone, grabbing a piece of whatever that is the closest to him and engage in conversation when he's needed to. It got him a treat on his face soon after he speaks though so he didn't do much talking for the rest of the time.

 

But Haruka knows, he's actually paying attention to the group so much more than how he seem to be. He's listening to the topics they're having, laughing ever so slightly when a silly comment is made and even going on his phone all the time is just a way to hide the fact that he's taking pictures of the scenery and his friends around him. He cares about his friends and the event he participated in even if all he did that day was complaining and throwing sarcastic comments at everyone, mostly at Takane.

 

They walked home that day with Ayano pumped at improving her cooking as Shintaro, although didn't speak much, commented a lot about her cooking, from moderate to not really nice ones. Little do the girls know, Shintaro told him that he likes Ayano's cooking a lot, the only thing that he doesn't really like are the sweet ones, just like how he once told him he's not fond of sweet stuff but drank cola like his life depends on it. Shintaro is a really strange guy, always saying things that doesn't match what his mind thinks, a person who haves a soft heart that looks out for everybody no matter how much he says he don't care.

 

He's cute just like that.

 

Haruka reminds himself to draw when he realise that he have been deep in thoughts, smoothing out the lines on the figure's shirt, carefully drawing the shape of the face, and makes the hair of the figure a little messier than it usually would be. Since the figure's position makes it hard to see the person's eyes, all that is left to draw is the nose and mouth. Haruka draws the nose easily and moves his pencil down a little to work on the mouth. Except, he don't know what he should draw, the signature frown he wears so often? An irritated expression? Or he should draw the rare expression he saw that day.

 

He was staring at the treat he was holding that day, the one that got the best of his interest and raised his head to look at the girls before taking a picture of them, a beautiful smile that was not meant for anyone in particular.

 

A light tug at the corner of his lips, a smooth line curving upwards, barely there. _Light hearted_ , _relieved_ , _love_ and _care_ is what Haruka would use to describe that expression which went unnoticed by the girls that day. That small smile is just right for the picture, a picture where four of them are enjoying the time they have together. Without worries, problems or pesky homework to bother them. Just friends having a relaxing picnic while taking in the view of the cherry blossoms that bloom into this certain beautiful shade of a colour once in a year.

 

  
_Just friends_  


 

  
"I should probably finish this soon. " he thought again, moving to draw the thin line that shows the majority of what a person feels. It doesn't work though, it didn't seem right. Picking up his eraser by the bed, he carefully erase his mistake and tries to draw again. There's still a something wrong with it, it would be a waste if he got something out of place in a nice drawing wouldn't it? He picks up the eraser and rubs it off again, leaving it on his blanket so he could reach it easily next time.

 

Another attempt and it looks worse that the last time, he rubs it off again.

 

Haruka sighs and straightens his body, it's always the last part of the drawing where nothing seems to go right. Maybe if he tries one last time, he could get it right. He picks up his pencil and notices the circular prints on the blanket right in front of him, it's not the design of the blanket as hospital blankets don't come with the luxury of having something more than a plain unicolour blanket. On closer inspection, the circular prints are formed by water droplets, he haven't drink anything before and besides the liquid inside the intravenous fluid stand at his side, nothing else is in liquid form. It was then he notice a smooth feeling sliding from his face down to his chin, more prints appear on the blanket now.

 

He's crying

 

Haruka raises his hands up to his face slowly and carefully almost as if the action itself could crush something if he weren't careful enough. The feeling of water droplets spread on his palms more and more, the feeling of his heart slowly thudding harder than it should to keep the fragile body alive, his head spins and he finally notice that his vision has blurred from all the tears that are forming.

 

He doesn't want to admit it

 

He still doesn't want to admit it

 

The lost of someone he loves

 

He remembers

 

The pain he felt that day, the confession that was not meant for him to hear, the object, person he wished to have, he got but was never his to begin with. He was just pitied by his friends around him. Are they that certain he would die? That he wouldn't be able to win his illness? He hates the pity looks he was given by the nurse, the doctors, _everybody_. He hates the pity in their voice, you could have been a great person in the future. Talking like they're all expecting him to die.

 

His condition is not as stable as he wish it could be and miracles don't happen often but...

 

How long does Ayano think Shintaro could keep up with the acting? What happens if he got better? Does she expect them to be together forever? Love blooms when two get to know each other better? Shintaro is clearly not into him and Haruka is sure the instant they announce he got better, Shintaro would try to find a way to break up with him.

 

Everything is a lie after all, Shintaro should have rejected him in the first place, tell him that he doesn't feel that way towards him, everything would have been so much simpler if Ayano kept her ideas to herself. Telling Shintaro to make him happy, what kind of _stupid_  nonsense is that? I ...

 

......

 

_They mean well_

 

_They do_

 

Noticing he have been lost in negative thoughts and his heart has speeded up dangerously, he tries to calm himself down by repeating the last part over and over again, _they mean well. They mean_ _well._ It still hurts though, the way Shintaro sounds so tired, frustrated, helpless even when he speaks to his mother. If only he didn't work up the courage and confess to him, keep this secret with him and bring it to his grave, Shintaro wouldn't be so stressed, Ayano wouldn't be so tense and Takane doesn't have to suffer being in the middle of all of them.

 

Haruka could feel tears starting to well up again until... he heard a knock, not that of the doctor's nor a nurse's, the rhythm of the knock is different from the usual he hears. He wipes his tears off quickly, closing his sketchbook together with his stationary and place it on an available space beside him just in time before said person enters the room. He would expect Takane, Ayano and Shintaro together with the day's homework or maybe some friends he made in the hospital that have recovered . Surprisingly, it's just Shintaro, _alone_.

 

Haruka did promised himself not to act as bothered about the incident as he actually feels so instead of lashing out on him after all the thoughts swirl around in his head, he tries to push back his tears and throws a big smile towards his _friend_. "Ah? Shintaro-kun! " A glance at the clock in the plain room, almost five in the afternoon, "Why are you here? It's really late already. Did anything happened with Ayano or Takane?" Shintaro didn't say anything, instead pulling out a small branch filled with cherry blossoms within his bag and walk towards the chair available a short distance away from Haruka's bed. Presenting the small branch to Haruka with a worried frown, eyes not meeting the other the whole time.

 

This is truly a surprise. "Cherry blossom!!" He takes the small branch from Shintaro's hand, too busy remaining calm to notice the twitch in the other's hand. " I thought I would never get to touch the flowers this year since they want me to be in the building at all times." Moving his index finger and thumb to pinch at the petals, enjoying the smooth feeling of the flower, the scent of the flower that were almost concealed by the smell of medicine, the look of a fresh cherry blossom. " This is really beautiful. Were you guys under the tree we had picnic last year? It was the best tree isn't it?"

 

There was no reply but Haruka continues anyway, "Nice shades, the flowers are pretty and somehow they smells nicer than the other trees!" Feeling a little unease by Shintaro's silence, Haruka plucked out one of the petals of the flowers, letting it fall onto the blankets " We were having fun last year, I would want to try Ayano's cherry blossom mochi again." Putting a finger just under his lower lip " It was the best treat she made for all of us! Hey Shintaro-kun, this sounds a little selfish but can you ask her to make it for me? I really want to taste it again. "

 

Shintaro continue to stay silent and letting his head hang forward in a way as if he was asleep, Haruka decide that he's not going to get a reply from him anytime soon so he tries to say something, " I remember how silly Ayano looked with that branch of cherry blossom on her head, it looks more like that of a deer's horn instead of some accessory to be honest, but she likes it." Haruka giggles to himself, "Speaking of which, the flowers should have withered and if she planted it on the ground, it would be a small tree now! I heard cherry blossoms can grow just by a broken branch but is it true? I wonder..."

 

There was a long pause of silence before Haruka sighs to himself and grabs his sketchbook, flipping it open and starts to work on a new drawing, the last one can wait. It's not like this is the first time Shintaro came by to visit without saying anything, he have been coming by without a word for the past week now and it have all started and ended in silence. Knowing Shintaro's personality, Haruka had long since give up on trying to pick up a conversation for both of them just so the situation wouldn't be too awkward. It has been so long since he heard Shintaro's voice that he  sort of wish to hear it now, a weird thought. He couldn't deny it, he misses it.

 

After an hour spent in uneasy silence have passed, Haruka decided it's about time he should sort things out with Shintaro instead of having him coming by to the hospital everyday and stress the hell out of him. There's other stuff Shintaro could do instead wasting his time in the hospital with him and his head hanging forwards everytime. It could seriously cause a problem if he keep doing that, like spinal problems or neck problems or-

 

" Can you f-forgive me? "

 

Turning his head towards Shintaro, this is the first time he spoke ever since he started visiting him. His voice is wavering really badly, hands clenched tightly, all semblance of his usual proud, confident self is gone, leaving only a trembling shell waiting for the ocean wave to crash down on it. He's talking about something he's trying to avoid, something he would rather leave untouched for the next century and more. But even if he's talking about that certain stuff with a voice so tense, so terrified, Haruka found his heart skipping a beat at the smoothness of his voice, getting excited for the fact he finally heard the voice of the one he loved.

 

Still loves

 

_Pathetic_

 

"I thought about what I did and... " Shintaro is still not looking at him, letting go of his clenched hands and stare at them instead. Haruka could imagine the way his lips quivered from fear just like the time they first kissed, " I-I'm sor-ry... It's stupid! I'm stupid! But if y-you don't mind..."

 

"What else would he want to say?" Haruka asked himself, the last sentence leaves a tingling hope in his chest... and a drop of oil adding to the spark in his chest. Image after image of fantasies he desperately wished for soon after that day replayed like an old movie. Those fantasies that kept him _alive_ till today, things he have given up on. Things that turned from a life line to a nightmare.

 

"If you.. don't mind, maybe we c-could be toge-... Um.. You probably don't, it's not... I was thinking maybe, i-if..." 

 

Even without the full sentence, Haruka could guess what the other wanted to say. It is a daring move, really. But why did he want to get together again after everything that has happened?? The tingling feeling of hope of this moment, something he have always wanted, have somehow been drown out without warning. This is what he wanted, for Shintaro to turn back and tell him he wants to be together again but something feels off, a thin fog from previous thoughts blurring his mind.

 

Avoiding the conversation is the best for now," What are you taking about? You haven't done anything wrong."

 

The answer got Shintaro to turn his head towards Haruka, a baffled look on his face as Haruka kept his smile."...What..... that's my first question, I mean-"

 

Haruka really don't want to talk about this matter today, it's dangerous, _just stop_. "It's not like you did anything much ever since you started visiting me but seriously you don't have to come by so mu-"

 

A growl of frustration that sounds more like a tired whine made scary stops Haruka from speaking further just as a static forms behind the back of his head. Shintaro could feel himself struggling as he tries to speak "it's not that, I mean- I- that last-"

 

"It's about that incident at your house isn't it and you want us to be together again after all of that." Haruka cuts him off for the second time today, he doesn't want to use the word break up if they're not exactly in a relationship in the first place. Even if he doesn't feel like talking about it today, they should settle this matter soon don't they? The static is getting really annoying, blocking his thoughts.

 

"...... I-I urgh .... yeah, s-so...is... you probably... I mean...." Shintaro starts fiddling with his fingers, a habit Haruka learns that he'd do when he's extremely unsure about what he should do at the moment. The action at this moment makes Haruka want to hug the other tightly, telling him that he could never be mad at him but it also makes him want to take a knife and shove it through the other's stomach.

 

 

 

"You know Shintaro-kun...... I'm afraid I can _never_ forgive you." The words came out of his mouth before he have time to filter what he should say, but he doesn't feel guilty in the least about the fact he broke his own promise, for showing how he feels, for hurting who he _loves_.

 

 

 

Chill and dread run down Shintaro's spine, this is the answer he expected but hearing Haruka, a sweet, kind and easy-going person who doesn't seem to hold a grudge on anybody at all say that in a monotone voice just makes it ten times worse. It's unlikely for anyone to forgive him for what he did but he still hope for it anyways, this wish that he knows will only be granted in his dreams.

 

"Maybe I would? Who knows?" Haruka could feel himself getting giddy, smiling without his own accord as everything feels so funny somehow.

 

The words got Shintaro to look up, surprised by what the other said. Could Haruka actually forgive him?

 

"It definitely needs _time_ I'm sure of that. Too bad I don't have much of that _luxury_ huh Shintaro?" the spark in his chest fuelled by a puddle of oil burned suddenly, the spark that appeared every since that dreadful day, waiting to burn as bright as it may. If the fire goes on...

 

Although the smile remain on Haruka's face and he doesn't sound bothered at all, Shintaro could swear the way he talk sounds _terrifying_. The way he speaks of the knowledge of his own death so freely, like it's just another talk about the day's weather. There's something else about the things he said scares him, it's as if he heard it before, in a different way...

 

"You're _my friend_ and to be honest, you've been _nice_ to me and _I want to do something for you_ too...." ...

 

"It sounds familiar..." Shintaro thought, trying to remember where have he heard of all of those before. In his attempt on trying to recall the specific location and event where he had heard it, he let his face remain the expression of shock and disbelief, his hands tightening around the seat of his chair unconsciously. Where could he have hear-

 

"There's no need for us to be together again since you don't _swing_ that way"

 

  
"all of what we did, _it's just for show_ am I right Shintaro?"

 

  
The last sentence sounded so _sickeningly_ sweet and cheerful, even the chuckle Haruka let out after he finished his sentence sounded so _wrong_ , the smile that appears so often on Haruka now looks as if it was fixed on it. The cherry blossom that Shintaro brought to him slide down the blanket and to the floor, it was then realisation struck him harder than a meteoroid could, those were all of what Shintaro said to his mum himself. The same things he said have been turned around into a reply back at him.

 

  
Shintaro's speechless, without an idea of what to say nor what he should say.

 

  
A fit of giggles that were anything but light and cheerful came from Haruka, bending forward as if he was trying to lessen the pain that comes with the giggling only to stop after an unnerving eternity, clutching at his stomach and catching his breath. Shintaro, assuming that it might be at least okay to approach Haruka now, reach a trembling hand towards him, "Uh- Haruka... senpai, are you... alright?"

 

Carefully, he places his hand on the back of the other's head and immediately felt another chill far worse than the one he felt earlier. It was as if he had a gun shot through his stomach, which would most likely be a piercing glare that was sent his way, in this case where nobody is around, the person that did it would be the only one other than him in the room, _Haruka_. Shintaro's mind went blank, he didn't know how scary the other could be since he barely got mad at all, the only time Haruka got close to angry was when Shintaro accidentally spoilt the entire sketchbook which Haruka was working on and even then, all he got was a frown and a little lecture.

 

In his stunned haze, a clear thought crossed through his head, "Haruka is definitely not as okay as he said he is."

 

Suddenly, there's a shuffle from Haruka's side, something like a twitch before he raise his head. Shintaro took his hand back instantly, fear welling up in the pit of his stomach as he waits for the other's reaction. Haruka straightened himself, letting out a long breath of air, tipping his head backwards a little before pinching the bridge of his nose and mumbled something intelligible. The position of the other allows Shintaro to see Haruka's face as compared to earlier when he bent forward, eyes closed calmly, showing no hints of whether he is fine or the opposite.

 

Without turning around, Haruka speaks with a tired tone," Shintaro... kun" The fear he felt turned down a few notches when he finds Haruka speaking with a tone he's familiar with but he still couldn't help the shudder running it's way through himself as he hears his name. " I'm really tired... " Haruka continued, finally looking at the other and if Shintaro could describe how he looks he would say he looks hollow, drain out of colour. The sound of the heart monitor long forgotten beside them beeping quickly, indicating the speedy rhythm of Haruka's heart only serves to intensifies his guilt.

 

Even if Haruka acts as if he wasn't bothered by what happened, eating lunch with all of them, drawing just as usual, being the obnoxious air head he normally is, he's actually not okay at all. He should say something, try to comfort him, at least reassur-

 

"I need... to rest ... for a while." Haruka said, cutting off Shintaro's thoughts and laid down facing the other as he speaks, slowly pulling up the blankets until it covers his shoulders and sliding his hands under the pillow. Shintaro watched his every move, staring at Haruka until he falls asleep. After relaxing slightly, Shintaro reaches out again to the other and wonders if anything had happen at all and Haruka's calm sleeping form just makes him question himself whether he had thought it all up.

 

He pats the other's head gently

 

The temperature is slightly high but otherwise it feels comforting

 

"Haha...It's probably a dream... right, just a dream" Shintaro thought, trying to convince himself that all of that was just a daydream and he have only been following his usual routine going to the hospital to pay Haruka a visit until night falls. Feeling the slight twitch under his palms, he moves his hand along the figure until he couldn't reach without standing up anymore.

 

He had broke Haruka, the strongest person he knows, always fighting for his survival and yet, trying to cheer other people up as if they were the ones that were sick and not him. A person who cares so much about others...

 

He had done so much _damage_.

 

Even if it all did just happened in his head, he deserves to be hated by Haruka after everything he had done and he actually hopes for a chance to be together again? That was so naïve and childish of him. Sitting back to the chair provided, he picked up the small branch of cherry blossom on the floor and stares at it absentmindedly, letting his mind wonder through deep parts of his mind which he visits so often, the part that makes him hate himself and curses his very own being. A part he visits more often than he ever did after they.....

 

It's until moments later as tears roll down his face, he grab his bag and takes a hasty leave, missing the tears that have formed around Haruka's eyes, silently crying within his dreams and in reality.

**Author's Note:**

> Haruka confessed around the end of summer and they broke up during somewhere around February, probably valentines day. In my last fic it says that Haruka told Shintaro's mum he wouldn't touch Shintaro like how he did a few weeks ago, it means that they have only started more intimate stuff sans anywhere near sex and bathing together only weeks ago after 4 month being together. I don't really know if that's counted as fast or slow.
> 
> Hope it clears up something for the people who don't understand, it's useless information anyways haha.
> 
> Please leave a comment on this!! I really want to know how I did in this one please!!!!!


End file.
